Monday, November 5, 2012

Critter Love.

I'm not even sure how to explain this feeling. For about a year now, I've been noticing changes in my emotions towards infants. Last October, on my cousin's birthday I just started crying out of no where because I wanted to hold her friends baby. It was so embarrassing! I choked it back for about a half hour and then tears streamed down my face. Her friend just stared at me, sort of smiled and then handed Lance to me. I was so excited at that moment, the tears subsided. I held him and I was at peace. That was the first moment I realized that I was at that age now, I could have a kid and would be happy with that decision. Trippy. 

This year has been one cry-fest over another, I was getting emotional walking through the neighborhood just hearing some kids laugh and scream. When I see a couple walking down the street holding hands with their 3 year old in the middle of them, I tear up. I find myself openly saying "I want one" now. It's scary and exciting all at the same time. I know that if I had a baby right now, I would have friends and some family that would think that is insane, but I definitely don't think it'd be so bad. There are things I'd like to accomplish before I have children. For instance, I'd like to be married. I'd like to be successfully self employed. I'd like my boyfriend, Josiawa, to know what he's doing with his life - job wise. I want to make sure he can support a family. Last night, he told me that he really wants to go back to school and that makes me so happy because that means we're getting our lives on track. We've had the "kids" talk and he knows how much I want a baby but we're just not ready yet. That being said, we're ready for a puppy.

I think a puppy is a great transition for us. It's just like a child in the sense that we take care of it, and treat it like our baby. It will be our first child, therefor, it will take us a while to find the perfect one. I've been looking on craigslist for about a month now, but the other day Josiawa told me that we weren't going to get a puppy until the Spring so that we won't have to walk it in the rain. It'll be hard enough training a puppy, let along training it in the rain. So, I understand where he's coming from.. but it left me heartbroken. I had a dream that night that I found the perfect puppy and he told me that I couldn't have it, so I cried all night long. When I woke up, I felt sad. I hate dreams like that. I told him about the dream, he suggested we get a rabbit. I was excited about the idea yesterday, until I really thought about it. When I get a puppy I won't be able to focus my energy that way. I see myself playing with the puppy more and I feel like the rabbit would get neglected. So, I shouldn't get one. I just want something to love. There's an emptiness inside of me, where a baby needs to go. And I'm just going to have to live with this feeling a little while longer. I'll be 25 on the 17th of this month, that was the age my mom had me. Apparently 24yrs old is the age where your internal clock ticks. I'm gonna go through more of these kinds of days, I just know it.

xo, Sierra

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